How to exit a Speedster

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How to exit a Speedster

Post by Firebird »

I was sorting through some of my old files and found this. I figured you guys would get a kick out of it.

[from SpeedsterOwners.com, posted by Robert Mitchell 4/13/2004]

How to exit a Speedster.
You've pulled up at that little roadside cafe in your speedster and all the outdoor tables are full.
You can feel the eyes on you - the wistful admiring looks of the women, the hostile envious stares of the men.
The moment of truth has arrived. You're just on the east side of 50 and the ol' knees ain't what they used to be. (Hell, let's be blunt, you wouldn't win any limbo contests.)

How do you make a cool exit from your car, looking like James Dean or Steve McQueen rather than a pregnant woman getting up from the sofa at her stork party?

If you have ever been in this situation, I can help you! The technique I’ve developed works for me and it can work for you too! What’s more, you can practice it alone in the privacy of your own garage until you are confident enough to try it in a live situation.

“The Technique”

Step 1.
Make sure you’ve parked to allow yourself enough space to open your door to its fullest extent

Step 2.
Cock your arm (this is a perfectly legitimate phrase) and place it (your now bent arm, that is) across the steering wheel so that your hand is gripping it at the 3 o’ clock position and use this as a counter-thrust to enable you to angle your legs to the side and swing them over and onto the ground. At the same time, place your other hand (palm down) next to your thigh on the bottom sill of the door opening.

Step 3.
Now, simultaneously straighten this arm by pushing confidently down onto the sill, straighten your legs and let go of the steering wheel. If all has gone according to plan, you should now be in an upright (or erect position – another perfectly legitimate phrase!) facing the rear of your speedster. (With a little practice you can achieve a fluidity of motion that would be the envy of a 20 year old.)

Step 4.
Ideally, you should have been facing towards the front of your speedster, so you still have some work to do. Now, slowly turn towards the car in a semicircle while sweeping your steely gaze over your speedster and beyond. (You can use the Clint Eastwood squint for extra effect, but, if you are wearing sunglasses, this will be lost on the spectators.)
You should now be facing towards the front of the car.

Step 5.
Nonchalantly push the outer edge of the door with just enough force so that it closes under its own momentum.
Note: Do not push too hard or too soft, as this will spoil the effect completely. (This is where the garage bit helps)

Step 5. (optional)
As you stride powerfully away from your speedster towards the crowd, toss your keys up in the air (not more than say, 6 inches and once only) catching them again in the same hand.
Note: If your hand-eye co-ordination is not quite up to speed, do not attempt this manoeuvre.
After all, your entrance demands an awed silence, not humiliating laughter.

I hope you enjoyed this.
Very tongue-in-cheek, but the basic technique does work ;-)

May the road be open ahead and the curves winding,
Regards,
Mitch

------
John Hallstrand
posted 4/13/2004 7:48:07 AM

Now if you are on the west side of sixty, your best polished techniques run into some cruel realities.

“The Results”

Step 1.
Your vision is not quite as acute as it used to be and your flexibility disallows your parking perfectly next to Billy Joe’s GMC pickup; you put a dent in his door as you fling yours open. Fortunately, he is swilling beer at the bar and doesn't notice. You are now parked too close and at a cock-eyed (a legitimate word) angle.

Step 2.
You suck in your big belly and reach for anything close at hand, the steering wheel, the door, the door sill and prepare to give a mighty heave, hoping the inertia from all the stored up fat reserve will carry you though the task your muscles refuse to accomplish.

Step 3.
Arms, legs and the aforementioned belly now combine in a movement which would give a twenty year old Jabba the Hutt cause for embarrassment. Also, your sphincter, not being the tight efficient muscle it used to be, lets loose with a loud report which sends bar patrons streaming out into the parking lot full of wonder as to what cataclysmic event has just taken place. What they see is you, slightly red-faced having been identified as the source of the noise and air pollution.

Step 4.
You should now be outside the car, standing proudly beside your pride and joy, but in fact you are still in the seat. It will take two or three more mighty heaves to extricate you from the cockpit (another legitimate word use). In the third and final attempt, you overexert and wind up beside your mount, flat on your back. You wonder what Steve and Clint would do in this situation. There is no saving face at this point, just damage control.

Step 5.
You now swing the door, which is resting on the GMC, closed with a resounding clunk. You have swung it too hard and a small but noticeable spider web begins to form on the gel coat. You smile sheepishly at the car and at Billy Joe who is now looking menacingly in your direction.

Step 5. (optional)
You step clumsily away from the car headed towards restaurant feeling all eyes on you. You trip on a loose section of the flagstone walk and fall flat on your face. There is a hushed silence and then a titter of laughter as the patrons realize you are sort of OK. You get up, brush yourself off and toss the keys up in the air and miss. That’s when the humiliating laughter begins. You have made many friends for the Speedster owners’ community on this most forgettable day.


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Re: How to exit a Speedster

Post by flatfourfan »

Lolz. That never fails to bring a smile. Read it for the first time a few years back.
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Re: How to exit a Speedster

Post by Mustang Sally »

Ooooohh, is that how??? :lol:
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Re: How to exit a Speedster

Post by Retrobug »

:lol:

This way also looks good :hangloose:
or is just good to look at :flash:
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Re: How to exit a Speedster

Post by flatfourfan »

Retrobug wrote::lol:

This way also looks good :hangloose:
or is just good to look at :flash:
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^^^

yeah they never showed how she got in and out in those leather pants............
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Re: How to exit a Speedster

Post by Tony Z »

no, but she does have a nice walk...

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Re: How to exit a Speedster

Post by flatfourfan »

too skinny............also looks like WAAAAAY to much maintenance.
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Re: How to exit a Speedster

Post by Retrobug »

Looks like a quality ride :shock:
Nice leather upholstory 8)
Good ground clearance :)
The car I mean :lol:
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Re: How to exit a Speedster

Post by riaanj »

flatfourfan wrote:too skinny............also looks like WAAAAAY to much maintenance.
Aren't they all.. :lol:
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Re: How to exit a Speedster

Post by Tony Z »

flatfourfan wrote:too skinny............also looks like WAAAAAY to much maintenance.
that said, wouldnt you mind spending a weekend changing the oil? :mrgreen:
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Re: How to exit a Speedster

Post by Tony Z »

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Re: How to exit a Speedster

Post by Dazz »

flatfourfan wrote:too skinny............also looks like WAAAAAY to much maintenance.

+1
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Re: How to exit a Speedster

Post by flatfourfan »

Tony Z wrote:
flatfourfan wrote:too skinny............also looks like WAAAAAY to much maintenance.
that said, wouldnt you mind spending a weekend changing the oil? :mrgreen:
lol..........seriously............not my type. I like a woman who I can take out to dinner and who won't order a fouken salad and pick on my chips when the food arrives.

Plus............I like curves.
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Re: How to exit a Speedster

Post by riaanj »

flatfourfan wrote:
lol..........seriously............not my type. I like a woman who I can take out to dinner and who won't order a fouken salad and pick on my chips when the food arrives.

Plus............I like curves.
I'm with you on that one brother! :hangloose:
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Re: How to exit a Speedster

Post by sdudum »

OMG, I have not laughed so hard in a long while...

I being a largish fellow can definitely attest to the art or lack thereof in disembarking a speedster. I remember last winter stopped in front of a shop, eyes on me or the speedster, disembarking whilst wearing wool gloves, hand on bottom of door sill and of course wool stood no chance against shiny fibre glass...slipped and kinda tumbled out of the car rather unceremoniously :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: ...Needless to say, I never carried on with that shopping escapade...promptly started her up and left...

So yes, there is an art...which must be practiced...and practiced well...
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